Rattlesnakes, Rats and Decomposing Fowl...OH MY!!!

Well, I think we can say it...we're not in Kansas anymore or Oklahoma for that matter. We weren't carried off in a giant tornado, although being from Oklahoma that might pass as believable. No, we were swept away in the GREAT RELOCATION of 2010
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(Yes, it echoes when I say it.)
and we landed right in the center of Critterville. The desert is full of the strange and bizarre. And no, that's not because I live here now...being the best of both of those ; 0

I think we've just about seen all of the desert critters: Tarantulas, snakes, geckos (which live in the walls of our house), coyotes, jack rabbits (which Aiden identified as a kangaroo a couple of days ago...HA! that's how big they are), and scorpions. I thought I was becoming accustomed to sharing this amazing landscape with our not so accommodating beady-eyed neighbors but this afternoon's encounter put me to the test.

"Eeewww!!! What's that smell?" Aiden covered his face and moved his breakfast plate to the other side of the back patio. I looked all around, but the noxious odor would not identify itself. That is, until I went behind the backyard wall to clean the pool filter later this afternoon, and that's when i saw it...what use to be it at least. Rotting bird...identifiable only by it's bony wings. I held my breath and worked as quickly as possible.

Yes, i know the grown up thing to do would be to remove it. Fling it as far as possible into the wild. But come on!! That would require touching it, at least sort of. I'm claiming Female Excusal on this one. There are very few things that having breast will get you out of:

A. any type of gym activity by mentioning the forbidden "P" word to a male coach
or
B. Having to dispose of anything dead

So any who, I finished up my outdoor duties, and as I proceeded to put the lawn mower back in the shed...I saw it! A huge rattlesnake skin!!! I'm talking huge!!! Wedged halfway underneath OUR SHED! I grabbed the lawn mower and got the hell out of dodge! It was ooey and slimy. So, I'm thinking this mammoth snake just slithered out of it's skin moments ago and is hiding behind the shed making plans for dinner. GULP!

Later, after I decided to share this freaky episode with all of you, who obviously care deeply about my sweaty pitted rantings, I thought I'd take a pic of this ferocious snake skin. I leaned over the wall (which is my usual routine before I ever step foot back there) to make sure the DEADLY RATTLER wasn't lying in wait for a tasty human snack. No sign of him, but what did I see?

What...you say? There is more?

OH, is there more!

This tale keeps gettin better!

A Rat! Not a little mouse like rat! A big, ropey tailed, big bellied rat, starring right up at me. So suffice it to say, no picture for you!

Or so I thought.

Justin calls a couple of hours later and asks what I'm up to.  I shared that I'm blogging about this nightmarish critter episode and divulge all the gory details about the gooey snake skin, and how I risked my life to clean the pool, and mow the lawn. And how I'm pretty sure I will need some sort of pampering foot massage, and to be fed grapes while being simultaneously fanned with olive branches or something of the sort.

Gooey was the word that caught his attention. "It was gooey?"
"Yes, I'm telling you...it was slimy cause the thing had obviously just crawled out of it."

When he got home, being the man of the house that he is, he rescued me by putting the lawn mower back in the shed.

Oh let's cut the crap!

All men are still boys who are utterly fascinated by anything gross, dirty or the least bit dangerous. So under the guise of helping me out, he went behind the wall to check out this so called 'gooey snake skin'.

And let me tell you, the reality of the situation was sooooo much more disgusting than previously thought. It wasn't a snake skin. It was THE RATTLESNAKE!!! Rotting in all it's slimy ooey gooey glory. And what I saw was just the tail. This sucker was HUGE!!! Justin was man enough to round the shed and get pics of the whole nasty thing...which because I love you and I know you are dying to see it, I'm posting for you.


Look at that sucker's head!



So now, after this telling tail about real life in the desert, I'm sure I am doomed to dwell alone, without a visitor to my name. All our friends and relatives will remain in the safety of their normal cities, as I become a wild critter tamer who will eventually succumb to sharing our home with snakes (which I will wear around my neck) and the children will ride their wild javelin, Paco, to school everyday.

Oh my! It's late and I think all the adrenaline has gone to my head.

So good night, all. Here's hoping tomorrow isn't nearly as eventful. :  )

Love,
Big Momma Payne