Eviction Notice

This is a little ditty I jotted down two years ago...nogging as I like to call it. That's code for blogging in my note book for an audience of Moi! After reading some disturbing, self-defeating comments from a friend on FB I knew I had to post this. It's something we all need to hear. Dozens of times, really.


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For my birthday this year I decided to give myself a gift ….the gift of kindness. (Hokie, I know) Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always enjoyed indulging in pedicures or splurging on the occasional brownie fudge Sunday, but real true kindness? That might take some work.

Being the studious girl that I am, I started with a healthy dose of research. Before I could begin this mission of kindness, I needed to find out exactly what I was giving myself now. So, I started listening to that voice I am so intimately acquainted with, you know, the little girlfriend in your head. And I found out something very important after spending a good amount of time with her.

She’s a real Bitch!

No really, she’s probably one of the meanest people I’ve ever met!!

Every time I saw myself naked in the mirror, she made horrible comments about my stretch marks and compare my breasts to that of a national geographic spread. And as I clamored to throw clothes on she would remind me of how I looked before I had children, and how I would probably never look like that again. She was so convincing I found myself nodding in agreement.

I found it impossible to walk through the house without her heckling me about what a horrible housekeeper I was, spouting off horrendous implications of what kind of a wife and mother that made me.

“I’m trying!” I defended.  

“That doesn’t matter, it will never be enough,” she snipped.

She critiqued my jokes and belittled the importance of things I had to say. When I had great ideas or new goals I wanted to work towards she brought up all the things I had failed at. All of this negativity really started to get to me. So I did what any self-respecting girl would do...

I had ice cream, lots and lots of ice cream. 



Okay...so that's not me, but I'm pretty sure that's what I looked like



And while I was eating that cold creamy goodness everything was right in the world again. Ah alas, the power of ice cream! But as I licked the last drops from the carton, I looked up only to realize the girlfriend in my head hadn’t gained weight, she had gained size.  She was huge and mean and starring down at me with those condescending eyes, that look that makes you want to crawl under a rock and hide, the look that evokes shame in every part of you being.

I had had enough research. Something had to be done! How had I gone all these years without noticing who was living in upstairs? I looked over my research and made a life altering decision. I had to step up as the land lord and send an eviction notice. My little girlfriend had to go! I was never going to have any peace if I let her continue living up there!

So this is what I posted on her front door:

Dear Tenant,

I have reevaluated your living arrangements and come to the conclusion there is no longer a workable relationship. Please pack your things and leave. I am remodeling the upstairs apartment to make room for a much needed loving and considerate tenant.

Farewell,

The Land Lord

Wow! I’d never done that before. I was a little nervous, as you can imagine. She can rage quiet the tantrum for such a small person.  It needed to be done and to be quite honest, it felt great!

Now, for the hard part. I was entering uncharted territory here.  On the bulletin board of my heart I posted an ad for my newly empty upstairs apartment:

Spacious one bed, one bath apartment. Needs a little TLC, only respectful, compassionate tenants need apply.

The next morning as I dressed in front of the mirror, it was quite a different sight without that harsh little critic spewing insults in my ear. It was just a body, not some disgraceful thing as I had been use to seeing, a body with lovely curves and pink skin. I ran my fingers over the definable stretch marks on my abdomen, and for the first time I saw all of the love that went into growing each of my wonderful children.

“You have an amazing body, you should be really proud.” I heard a voice say, not from the upstairs apartment but from deep within my heart, and I instantly recognized it as my own.  The voice was so convincing I nodded in agreement. I stood a little bit straighter and I couldn’t help but smile.

As I walked through the house I picked up toys and clothes along the way putting things where they belonged, and as I moved through each room the little voice whispered, “Great job!  You deserve a clean house.”

She told me I was interesting and encouraged me to write down my goals and plan out steps in order to reach them.  I could hear my ex-tenant banging on the door upstairs but I changed the locks when the new girl moved in.

“Sorry,” I hollered up to her. “There is a very strict lease agreement. Looks like it’s time for you to move on!” She mumbled something hateful and stomped off. I couldn’t make it out. I was too busy listening to the voice in my heart.

My little girlfriend still calls from time to time, although I don’t answer her calls and I certainly never let her back into the apartment. Without all of the harsh criticism and negativity there is quite a bit of space upstairs so I recently moved in two new tenants, Determination and Big Dreams. It’s the perfect arrangement!